Sliding

The big slide down the slippery slope is imminent, beginning next week, when I pay my last rent check.  March will be my last month under a roof unless I find work.  Yikes, I’m not quite ready for this, but I really have no other options.  Perhaps you are one of the fortunate ones who has never had to close a bank account due to insufficient funds.  I have never had this issue either, until now.  I still have a little bit of money in the bank, but not enough for their minimum balance, so I’ll be cashing what I have left and hope I’ll have a job and be able to re-open the account soon.  It also means that I lose my credit card, after years of impeccable credit and no bad juju with that.  It won’t be easy for me to get a new credit card, given the tighter restrictions since last year.  It might be impossible, depending on what happens in my future.  Trouble is, I haven’t had any potential jobs headed my way or had an interview since early January.  I’m beginning to feel as if I am plain, flat out un-hirable.  One staffing agency would like to help me, but they are still not ready to take on any new people and keep telling me “Next month, call us next month.”  I’ve run out of ideas and there’s nowhere to turn except out the door into homelessness.  At least by the end of March the weather will be getting warm again and might be less rainy.  Sliding should be fun, like going to Six Flags and riding the flume zoom, riding a sheet of cardboard down a hill in the park or going to a playland when you’re a kid, right?  But this slide is the kind that happens when the rug is pulled out from under you and there’s nothing to do but crash on your ass…no fun.

The Answer Is No

I have not dropped off the face of the earth, merely been going through some difficult times.  No, I did not manage to snag a job in January, although I came very close twice.  I picked up some more work from friends in other states that I was able to do online, sold a few small things and fed myself almost entirely on food that my co-volunteer brought in for me (which meant a lot of trimming off mushy spots on fruit, peeling green skinned potatoes and steaming mushy vegetables to as to disguise their limpness and dousing them with hot sauce to hide the taste of rot – not that appetizing, but far superior to going hungry).  Putting so much more effort into looking for work has made me not want to post anything on the blog.  The weeks of rainy weather have not made it very pleasant to walk around and hand out resumes, either, adding to the malaise.

However, there have been bright spots from time to time.  When the weather has been nice, oh how nice it has been.  There’s nothing like getting to the top of a big hill and looking out across the City with patches of blue sky and ultra white puffy clouds drifting past.  The air seems clean due to all the rain and the ornamental fruit trees have started to bloom.  That has lifted my spirits when I’ve needed it most.  A friend in L.A. who has been out of work for a long time as well emailed to tell me he finally found some work – at least one of us has.  I’ve been reading books about the history of San Francisco, including a book on self-guided walking tours that gives a lot of history as well.  I never knew there is a system of huge cisterns underneath the City to be used for putting out fast-spreading fires in the case of another major earthquake, did you?

Am I being realistic, maintaining optimism that I will find a job?  While it would be easy enough to give up and wallow in self-pity until I get thrown out of my apartment, I keep thinking that it is going to work out, eventually.  I’m not sure why.  The job availability figures are still not good and there hasn’t been an increase in hiring around here that I can tell.

Can it be done?

It’s been a long, frustrating month for this blog author so far.  I swore to myself I would have a job by the end of the month, not quite a new year’s resolution, but a determined oath to keep my spirits up and continue to forge ahead bravely.  I had one very promising prospect which started out with a phone pre-interview with one of the owners, then led to an interview with the manager and after that, an interview with the manager and assistant manager.  The whole thing played out over the course of almost three weeks, and I was imagining starting work any day, finally having money to buy new socks and groceries other than rice and beans.  Finally!  It was only a low wage, entry level job, nothing fancy or with any expertise needed.  Yet, after all that energy and enthusiasm, they turned me down in favor of someone who had more experience.  After that, I haven’t found anything else to apply for.  I even got back in touch with the temp agency (The only one who would even agree to deal with me!) who told me back in late November that they wouldn’t be taking on any new people until the middle of January.  Sadly, they wrote back to say business had not picked up and to try again next month, and I mean sad for me but also sad for all those other job seekers.  Meanwhile, the news reports seesaw wildly:  unemployment down!  job creation up!  then the next day: unemployment higher than estimated!  jobs slashed!  I’m spending more time than ever looking for work, trudging around in the rain searching for signs in windows and people who will accept my resume, researching deeper and deeper into little known ways of finding work, but nothing is working so far.  I’ve got a week left to snag a job.  Can I do it?

Let’s be honest…

Let’s face it, readers, of whom there are none! I am a loser.  I must be.  After all, I haven’t found a job after nine months…9 fucking months of searching!  I have applied for any thing, every thing that I could do and there has always been “some other applicant” with “more experience” than I.  I don’t know what to do.  I am at the end of my savings and at the end of my proverbial rope.  I have no other options and from February on, I am, shall we say, “at risk.”  It’s not easy being on the edge, being on that slippery slope.  I watched a DVD last night, NORA PRENTISS, that summed it up perfectly in that there is a character who has no family and no friends and he’s living in San Francisco and has no one who cares about him.  Wow, did that hit home.  What are the options?  I will be homeless.  That is the only option.  What does it mean to be homeless?  It means little opportunity for advancement and very likely no opportunity for a job.  Hunger?  Rape?  Being murdered?  Bone chilling nights?   Yea, that’s my future, all because I don’t have the experience in year numbers that some minimum wage job requires.  Am I bitter…hell yes I am!  I could run circles around almost any wage slave applicant, yet my initial resume is a negative in prospective employers’ eyes.  Have they called or contacted my references?  No, they haven’t even bothered, which makes me even more upset because if they had, I would have been hired, no doubt.  Ooh, am I angry?  Yes, I am.   I had been hoping for a job, any job, by the end of the month, yet it is obvious that it is not going to happen.  Right now I am pissed off.  Tomorrow, I might be of a different mind.  Frustrating?  Yes, it is.  I am tired, exhausted, tired of the job search and of barely getting by.  Sure, I am not suffering as others are, but I soon will be, and that frightens me.  I do not want to be frightened.

After the quake

If my writing comes across as whiny or overly anxious at times, it’s only because I am dredging up the worst of my fears on this blog rather than burdening my friends with them.  Thanks, readers, for being so understanding!  While it is true that I still don’t have a job and am running out of money, I do have a roof over my head and things have worked out so far.  Even though it’s getting more and more difficult each month to come up with rent money, I haven’t had any crises concerning my health or with my finances, so I’ve been lucky and I am grateful for the small things I do have.

After yesterday evening, all I could think about was the earthquake in Haiti.  They weren’t expecting it, not having had a large earthquake in some 200 years.   I can’t imagine what it would be like to have the hospital demolished, to have nowhere to take the injured, to be in a building with school mates or co-workers and have the building collapse on top of you, to have no home to return to.  Natural disasters are so overwhelming;  where to start, how to help, how to get so many lives back to normal again.  My heart goes out to the survivors, hoping they find relief and peace soon and that the death toll is not as high as projected.

People won’t be expecting the next earthquake here, no matter how many times we are reminded to “Be prepared!” with a wheeled container of provisions.  It’s more likely to happen here than it was in Haiti, and lately there have been earthquakes happening all around us on different fault lines.  Is everyone ready?

The Hunt Continues

Ever since January 4, I’ve been spending more time than ever looking for work, determined to find something before the end of the month.  It’s not quite a new year’s resolution, but more of a necessity as my money is running out and I haven’t been able to sell any more possessions lately.  One of my fellow volunteers has been giving me food, however, and that has helped a great deal.  I couldn’t bring myself to eat the Kraft Mac and Cheese in a dirty, dusty box that had an expiration date of 2004 or the instant potatoes with an expiration date of 2007, but everything else was OK, filling at least.  This is the first time in my life I’ve had to accept food from others;  there’s always a first, right?

The effort of looking for work has taken a lot of my energy.  I’ve been out walking the streets more often with my resume in hand at different times of the day, hoping to catch managers at a good time.  So far, there aren’t too many storefronts with help wanted signs and no one has accepted my resume if they haven’t actively been hiring.  I have three applications that I thought would be promising, jobs I am well qualified to do, but only one has given me any indication that I am in consideration.  They are going to keep looking for another week and will do final interviews after that, so I’m still not going to know anything for a couple of weeks with that one.

A kind soul at the volunteer gig told me of someone who said she could get me a job “like that!” (snaps fingers) but I found out yesterday that the job she was so confident I would be able to get was one waiting tables at a mid-range upscale restaurant.  The job is taken, anyway, but I have absolutely no experience waiting tables and I know for a fact that right now the last thing a classy restaurant wants to do is go through a long training with someone who has no clue about waiting tables.  Maybe if I was related to the owner or some such thing, but a stranger…no.  Waiting tables would not be easy for me and that is why I have never tried it and I don’t think I could ever do well at it unless the restaurant was extremely slow and mellow.  Good intentions, for sure, and much appreciated, but waiting tables is not for everyone, right?

I had an awkward email exchange with a friend I hadn’t heard from in a while, too.  He wrote and told me all about how busy he’s been and how many obligations he had over the holiday, which was great.  Then he asked what I’ve been up to lately, assuming I have a job and friends and probably some music or art project going.  I replied and told him straight up how dismal things have been as far as the job search goes and that I haven’t felt or had the time for making music or art.  So far, silence on his end now.  It has happened before, but I fear I am losing more friends due to my unemployment.  People don’t seem to be able to handle hearing about it even though I have never asked any of them for help or money and never offer the news unless asked, rather finding it more pleasant to talk about something else instead.  It feels like a death sentence and I am beginning to wonder if it is.  What’s next if I fail?

Neorealist episode

On a wild goose chase after a job, I took public transportation downtown today.  My rules, as of the time when I realized I might not get a job anytime soon, are that I will not pay for public transportation unless it involves trying to secure a job, that I will not buy anything unless it is absolutely necessary and that I will set aside the expectations of my palate and purchase a grade cheaper of food than what I am accustomed to.  Not only have I saved a lot of money this way,  more than I ever imagined possible, but I get a lot of walking exercise.  But back to today’s story…

Going into downtown was swift, with not many people getting on or off and the operator hitting all the lights at the right time.  Riders were calm, focused, and seemed quite the normal City denizens going about their daily routines.  On the way back up Market from First, however, ridership was completely different.  I boarded the streetcar from Milan, one of my personal favorites due to its wooden bench seats, deeply grooved rubber mats and the curious grinding sound it makes from time to time.  All was peaceful until right before the Civic Center stop.  Tourists began to fill the car, all looking at their standard mini SF maps and discussing their plans with each other in a worried tone.  “I think this is the right way to the cable cars,” one young man said to his wife/girlfriend.  “No, mom, Haight Street, it’s right there!” a teen said to her mother, and I imagined them getting off the streetcar at Haight and Market, not at all where they intended to be.

A man with a large Hefty trash bag full of something (clothes?) got on the streetcar through the front door at the same time as another man with a large Hefty trash bag full of aluminum cans snuck in through the open back doors.  The garlicky and ripe body odor smell of the first man or the contents of his bag mingled with the smell of stale soda and beer from the second man’s bag and I was forced further into the back of the car.  As I stood, there being standing room only by this point, I realized I was standing next to another fragrant passenger.  A woman seated next to him opened the window, although the breeze was cold.  There were too many warm and pungent odors wafting about, so I didn’t blame her for chilling us all.  To her left was a ragged character, although he didn’t seem to smell as much as the other three men.

The ragged character decided it was time to exit, and as he got up from the bench, an old, blackened, overripe banana fell from his pocket.  About twenty other people on the streetcar witnessed it, so for a few seconds I waited, but no one was calling it to his attention.  Were they thinking of the MUNI stabbings?  Afraid to talk to a homeless person?  Not giving a shit about the homeless person?  I tapped him on the shoulder and said he had dropped his banana.  Who am I to deprive someone of what might be their dinner?  The other men exited one stop after another and soon the streetcar was once again calm.

Although the job hunt was a wash, the sense of adventure was high.  There I was, mingling silently with others, breathing their scents, inhaling vapors from their coughs and sneezes, touching poles on the streetcar sticky with their essences.  Tomorrow I will be back in my room most of the day, trolling for jobs online.

Holiday visitors, Part 2

The week before the holidays, I received an email from a family I’ve known for a long time saying they wanted to see me the weekend after Xmas as they were going to be about an hour’s drive away.  They’ve said this twice before in the past few years and never managed to come through, so I was halfway expecting them to cancel again.  However, they called early on Sunday and said they were on their way.  They had their dog with them as well, so I suggested they meet me at my place and walk the dog in the nearby park before we went out to do anything.  After a GPS snafu (Or should I say a normal GPS-planned trip, as GPS almost always seem to take someone the wrong way or out of the way when they don’t need to.), the little family arrived.  After the requisite “Gee, it’s been a long time” chatter, we walked the dog and went to a late lunch.

While they were on their way to my place, I searched online to find a restaurant that was open that day (a Sunday) between lunch and dinner and that met their requisites of serving fresh California style food and preferably also seafood and beer, which proved more challenging than I thought.  Eventually I settled on Zuni Cafe, which turned out to be the perfect place.  Parking was easy and Zuni is a festive, landmark spot, fun for the tourists especially, to marvel through the large windows at the sights on Market Street and the trolleys.  The parents thoroughly enjoyed their meals and dad got his beer, mom got her decaf cappuccino which had the added benefit of arriving in a European style bowl.  The young teen was happy with pizza and a fizzy lemonade.

Although it wouldn’t be my choice of from a list of fun things to do in San Francisco, for the first timer, going to Ghirardelli Square is a must-do.  Not wanting to part with such welcome company, I went along.  I haven’t been to the Square since my first visit to the City and although some of the shops have changed in the Square or around Fisherman’s Wharf, it is pretty much the same.  It’s nice to see so many tourists having a good time, just don’t look too close when you pass by the chowder in a bread bowl places.  To see so many bread bowls overflowing the trash cans and lying all over every surface is not only disgusting but is also a sad reminder of conspicuous consumption.  A few blocks away in either direction, people are going hungry, you know?

Aside from the touristy diversions, we all had a great time together.  I could hardly believe my good fortune to have two days in a row with such happy visits.  As I said in the last post, having people around who were interested in talking with me, took me seriously and appreciate me meant a lot.  It’s not easy being broke and to be out of work for so long.  My email friends have done a lot to keep my spirits up, but there’s nothing like visiting with friends face to face.  These visits were the best holiday gift I could have been given at this time.  Hope all of you out there had good holidays as well.

Holiday visitors, part 1

I had to take a break from MonoNoAwareSF for a few days.  Not only has the blog been receiving zero hits the past five days, but also I have been busy outside of the house more often for a change.  After eight months of non-stop job hunting, constant rejection and plummeting self esteem, I found a boost from being visited by old friends.

The first visitor was a person I got to know from a job I had at a video store years ago.  Say what you will about convenience and cost, but in my opinion, video stores were a wonderful thing to assist less sociable people with interactions, provided a non-threatening meeting place to talk about film and in my case spawned friendships that have lasted where many others have not.  Although I check out a lot of DVDs at my library, I have never had a conversation with others there (besides one time when a curious elderly Asian woman wanted to know why I was checking out films in a language I didn’t understand, so I had to explain that some people actually like films from other countries and reading subtitles rather than watching a dubbed version).  Go to a coffee house and all you will see are people with noses buried in their laptops or iPhones.  Go to a theater and you are not very likely to engage anyone in conversation, either, as people rush in and out too quickly or are with others they would prefer to be conversing with.  It’s hard to find any place these days where you can just hang out and chat face to face with people about something you enjoy in common.

My friend arrived downtown Saturday and I met him there under the overcast skies and cold shadows of the financial district.  On my way down there, I noticed the sidewalks were especially crowded, having forgotten that the 26th is the day to return unwanted gifts or shop for bargains.  Being another long distance walker, he and I decided to take a long route along the bay and wound our way through the wharf area, North Beach and Chinatown while talking.  We had wanted to see a film, but nothing piqued our interest, so walk and talk it was.  When it came time to eat, we were in Chinatown and chose a brightly lit, colorful and clean fast food vegan restaurant based on my friend’s standards.  I’m not so picky, but he was right in that many of the Chinatown restaurants have rather run down facades and look a bit dingy and tired on the inside.  The food was good, cheap and filling.  Fortified for more walking, we set out again, confronting the crowds as we neared Market Street.  It started to rain, so we, along with many others, ducked into a cafe and ordered some warm drinks so we could sit out the storm.  The rain only grew heavier, though, and after a while we had run out of things to say and were wet and cold, so we parted ways.

When I reached home, warmed up and dried out, I thought of my experiences of the past months.  I have been applying for jobs non-stop and have been rejected every time.  People don’t care enough to get to know me and find out if I might be the right person for the job or not.  They see a lack of what they want in my resume and flat out reject me.  I’m not saying that they should be interested in me, especially when there are so many overqualified people out of work,  just that after so many months, it gets to be demoralizing and has been rough on my self esteem.  Any time I receive extremely poor service somewhere, I consider this.  I think “Hey, if they had hired me instead, they would have had a happy worker they would have had to train a bit but who wouldn’t be giving bad attitude to customers all the time.”  But then I get to visit with someone who knows me, someone who appreciates me and knows my skills and knowledge, someone who can’t understand why no one has hired me.  Here is a person who wants to visit with me and isn’t making me feel guilty that I can’t go to dinner at Coi or do some other monetarily intensive thing.  I feel almost normal again and forget that I am living on the edge and about to fall off.  What a great gift, this holiday visit.  But wait, there’s more…Tune in tomorrow for part 2.

zero views and counting!

As in life, so goes this blog.  It has had zero views for the past three days.  I am stunned, yet dulled to the surprise of lack of interest.  Meanwhile, I am eagerly looking up all my favorite sites and blogs, disappointed that there are no new posts.   Am I the only one out there with no family or friends to be celebrating the holidays with?  Guess so.

I took a walk around the neighborhood this afternoon.  It was much more desolate than even yesterday.  Take your pick of parking spaces, you car drivers:  they’re all here.  Here I am, in limbo between being homeless and hanging on desperately to having a home.  Usually I am walking the sidewalks with the well-to-do of the City with their expensive cell phones, expensive shoes and clothes, expensive sunglasses and $100 hair cuts, but today I was among those who are living closer to my average.  They were still asking me for change, even if they were better dressed than me.  They were more aggressive than usual, following me down the block because I was one of the few pedestrians.  I watched a barefoot man with a face that looked as if he had contacted the concrete one too many times stumble his way up Market, narrowly avoiding an Audi as it sped into the gas station driveway, with no attempt to slow down for pedestrians, especially for a slow moving homeless person.  I saw a man intensely involved in huddling over something as he sat on a bench.  Alcohol?  No, it was a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, consumed by squeezing the container as if it were a tube of toothpaste as he had no spoon.  What’s going on?!  Shouldn’t this be one of the days where the homeless have somewhere to go, a warm meal, a shelter?  Why are there MORE out on the streets than usual?

For now, I will enjoy what I can.  There’s no snow, thankfully, or rain.  It’s perfect weather for walking around and if you want peace and quiet, now’s the time for it.  Happy holidays, everyone, whatever you choose to celebrate.